Sunday, April 24, 2005

圆桌会议

今天去听一个会议。早上9点开始,下午最后一个节目是round table,五个各个学校学科的头目在主席台上畅谈,下面听众也不时提问参与。

这是一个年会,今年主题是数学在生物领域的应用。round table的话题当然也是围绕这个展开的:数学如何进入生物领域,前景,热点等等,why+what+how。头目们畅谈,中间夹杂一些风趣的笑话,比如一个枪手的故事:三个科学家在一起聊天,这时候强盗(gunman)来了,一个接一个问他们自己做的研究对人类有什么贡献,如果强盗觉得不满意就要开枪杀人。前面两个都被杀了,最后轮到了数学家。还没问数学家就先开口了:你还是快把我杀了吧,这个问题已经让我够痛苦的了。。。

听众也提一些问题。规定时间快结束的时候一个男士举手。他说他很犹豫,不知道该不该提出自己的问题。头目们就鼓励他说,as you want。他就开始说了。

一开始的语气就很低沉,越说越痛苦。在他说犹豫(very hesitated)的时候大家就开始都把目光投在他身上了。他说他一直被一个问题困扰,用我的话总结就是:我们是要专才还是要全才。他说自己在化学,工程,生物,数学等领域转来转去现在转回到了生物,在他上大学的时候老师对他说:"you need to stick to a field and try to be an expert on it". 但他没有做到。他对很多东西都有兴趣,又仿佛没有兴趣。然后转来转去。现在30多年(3 decades)过去了回到了生物数学,可是他在哪儿都不是expert因此很难生存(survive),cannot get a position to stay。我看他好像不算老,看起来也就30多岁。开始时他说you can stop me when you want。头目们说dont worry, just speak out。但是后来他说的太久了,最后渐渐就差不多哭了。他说如果能回到三十年前他一定会听老师的话在一个领域混出来将它当作自己的基地(home base)然后再去进攻其它的领域。很多人举手想接过话题,头目们后来终于找了一个他停顿的机会赶紧叫了另一个人发言。

那个人坐在我后面,他说自己也被这个问题困惑过。他说了一会儿,但我没听清楚,主题词就是困惑和鼓励那个男的。这时那个男的又把话题抢过去了,说了一会儿。趁他喘息的功夫头目们赶紧叫了另一个举手的。那个人是个女老师。她说以她的经历她完全能理解那个男的感受。她在化学,MBA,数学,生物几个领域转过。她说了自己的很多感受。

然后头目开始发言。其实头目们看到这种局面也不轻松,气氛凝重而尴尬。我们学校的dean很nice地接过话题,说自己能理解他们的困惑,然后讨论multi-discipline的问题。几个头目说了一会儿。中间那个男的插话了几次但是都被及时控制了。

又有几个听众要求发言。预定结束时间已经过了。头目叫了前排的一个。他说了自己的困惑:不知道自己学的数学该怎么应用,等等,有人说到也可以去公司,他说那样感觉自己是个slave。这个词一出来大家都很哗然。头目们赶紧说这怎么是slave呢,你可以被equally employed,会有自己的价值和贡献的。他后来又抢了一次机会发言但是很短就被转移了。

预定的时间是一个小时,刚开始的时候都是头目们在聊,在那个男士之前只有一个女孩说了自己在生物和数学两个领域学习的经历:you need to patient and try to understand their language。头目们的主题词里有一个就是dialogue。communication is important。本来以为这个table就那样平淡地过去了只是一种形式,但是从那个男的发言之后就不同了,大家都很踊跃。

我也有很多类似的很早以前就开始的困惑。但是在这么多年之后,对于这些我无法理解的事情,我选择回避。但是看到那些三四十岁的大人像孩子一样委屈和困惑,心里还是有点触动。

这年头做啥都不容易。

因此不要再谈理想。

Sunday, April 10, 2005

opportunity

"Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it."

This is the word from my laptop wallpaper. I like it.

Last night I called my god-mother (GanMa) at Beijing and talked with her about my hesitation of the future career. I am not confident whether I can become a professor and do well in it. It's my preferred target while it's not easy but very hard to be obtained. It requires not only diligence but also intelligence, while I am not with either one. I have wasted a lot of time our of study and I still can't keep myself away from wasting it. That's a shameful problem with my personality. I thought about to go to industry if I can.

My godmother encouraged me and she said that she belived that I would fulfil my goal. She is very nice to me. In fact I knew what she would tell me. I just need somebody to listen to my hesitation and make myself more self-confident.

My boss always encouraged me. He is very nice to me too. He is a famous professor in my major and has a bunch of brilliant ideas every day. My friend told me that it's a big advantage to me. Of course I know it too. My boss told me many times that I am luck to participate in good projects. And he pointed out my problem: I am often pessmistic with the results. Sometime I did think the results I got is not so promising as he said. Maybe I was just expecting too much from the work.

But anyway, I am still with that dream and hope to get the opportunity in the future.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

the world is small

I met with my friend aries today. I knew her from bbs and we co-managed a board before. She graduated from the same university as me and was one year later than me.

We had brunch together and talked about our bbs experience, campus experience and others. When we were undergraduates, our dorm buildings were on the two sides of a road and faced each other. They were the only two dorm buildings in our university that lived by boys and girls respectively and faced each other. There were several times that boys went out of the dorms and sit on the road to sing loudly for the girls. And there were many beautiful stories about those two buildings and their students. Time flied. We had been away from there for about 7 and 6 years and they were destroyed and rebuilt at two years ago.

We talked about her dorm and neighbors. To my big surprise that a friend I know before lived just next to her dorm. The world is so small. I knew that girl at 8.5 years ago and the last time I saw her was about 4 years ago, the summer that I graduated from that university. I thought that I couldn't get her news any more since I lost connection with her. But now I met her college dorm neighbor. What an amazing thing.

The world is not enough. The world is small.

Friday, April 08, 2005

dream and second paper

My groupmate got the internship offer. She was so excited and I am also happy for her. It will be a good experience for her and also a good preparation for her future industrial career.

Few days ago my boss asked me whether the second potential offer if 3 months or 6 months. I told him that I just declined it. I was wondering whether he wanted me to go if it's a 3-month job, since it will cover my summer quarter only. I was a little bit regretful for my early decision. I didn't ask about the detail of that offer.

But I didn't regret much and long. My friend from New York told me that I shouldn't go for intern. He graduated from my department last year and is doing very well as a postdoc at a no. 1 institute for my major. I agreed with his suggestion. If I want to enter academia for my professional career, it would be better to do more research in my current work than going for internship in company.

Being a professor has been one of my dreams since a long time ago. But I was hesitating these days about my goal. I don't know whether I can fulfil my dream. It seems a hard and long way to get to there and I am not confident whether I can make it. If I go to the internship this summer, and if they want me to work at there after I graduate, probably I will accept their offer and I will work in industry then. It's a big company and I think their research work will be interesting to me and their pay rate is not bad at all.

Now by choosing to stay in campus in this summer I will focus on my research for sure. I hope that I can work something out and start to write my dessertation in the summer.

A good news is that my coworkers finished the draft of a paper. It's my second one and it has now been published in departmental publication lists. I am not sure whether and when it will be accepted by the journal we submitted. But at least, it's a good starting.